Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Wanking In Cars With Boys



Have you ever been on a date with someone and thought, "ok he is cute and seems into me and has been a gentleman, not so sure I'm on it but whatever will see him again?!" But you know you really aren't sure.. This is why sometimes; you just need to trust your gut feeling. You may think its trapped wind, but more likely than not, it's your gut telling you not to see that person again.

So I met this guy online, let's call him Lad. So we spoke one day and that same day he asked me out. I had no plans and thought I need to get myself out there more, so I agreed to the date. He picked me up in his Mini and we drove to get frozen yoghurt. I had told him that I was vegan so he took me to a place that had soya versions; this made me think 'aww how thoughtful of him!'
So we had our froyo then went to sit by the marina and talk over drinks whilst looking out to the sea.

We got on really well, he made me giggle and there was a lot to chat about. He was also really good looking. Now usually, I don't kiss on a first date. You know one of those rule thingys but when he kissed me, so out of the blue and so softly, I couldn't resist but kiss back. After a while we got back in the car and he drove me home. We said good night with a kiss and up to my apartment I went.

The next day he bombarded me with messages and wanted to see me that day. I had plans. After a few days of him persisting and saying how much he missed me (which I found odd considering we had only been on one date) I started to get annoyed. I could also tell he was a bit of a womaniser and I had a feeling I wasn't the only one. I was kind of put off but would be nice and reply. So after a few weeks and several lies to say I couldn't see him, I finally decided YOLO and meet up with him. We said we would chill at his and watch a movie. This kind of meant, 'I don't think I want you as more than a potential new fuck buddy.' Whether he got that or not, I was unsure.

This time, it was a very short meeting. He picked me up, kissed me hello, told me how much he missed me and we started the journey towards his place. He lives about a 6 minute drive from me. On the way he took a left down a road near a bar I go to and just parked up on the side of the road and stared at me then kissed me. I asked him why we had stopped considered he lived down the road. His reply was "I want you so bad!" Umm ok, "so keep driving we are nearly at your house!" He said, "no I want you here and now!" I said "you are joking right? We are on the street!" He said he knew and next thing, he just whipped out his dick from his pants, started wanking and said, "look what you have done to me, help me baby!"
My mouth dropped to the floor. I was in shock!!!! I looked at him and said, "you must be having a laugh mate!!" I got up out of the car and slammed the door shut and started walking off. He was shouting for me to come back and I told him he was an absolute fruit loop!

So, on my walk home I called my best friends to let them know. They were just as shocked as I was. When I look at it now, I find it amusing because he is such a nutter to do such a thing.

Knew I should have trusted my gut feeling!


Lots of love..

Little Miss V.. xx

 

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

What Women Do In Bed That Men Hate - The Male Reply!!

Of course men do many mistakes in bed, we are simple creatures. I really appreciate all the pointers I can get, and have taken upon myself to return the favor. Big thanks to all my boys that happily aired their grievances, and reported what mistakes women do in the bedroom.
 
1: Rape fantasies aren't just fantasies, you have a problem. It isn't necessarily a deal-breaker, but I had to put it out there.
 
2: A good hand-job is an art. Be careful when you are doing it, the penis is sensitive! Be happy to get directions, adapt, and if your knuckles turn white while you are tugging, you are pulling too hard!
 
3a: We will happily munch your vagina for hours, just give us a bit of head already!
3b: When you are giving me head, you need to love it! Look at my dick as if it's the fountain of youth and you're dying. There is nothing worse than when we expect a solid BJ, but get just 1 minute of unengaged head bobbing, and then a "Now you get on top!". Be engaged, and afterwards we will jump on you.
3c: When you blow, for gods sake, get your teeth out of the way!!!! I never even use a Zip-fly because I don't want any kind of inter-locking teeth close to my dick. Use an abundance of saliva, and make it sloppy.
 
4: Use your hands, don't orphan the balls, work the gooch (area between back of ball-sack and bum-hole), stimulate the pooper, and potentially add a finger in the ass. UNLESS OTHERWISE INSTRUCTED a little bum-licking has never gone amiss.
 
5: When you're on top, move vertically. Only move horizontal if you want my dick to break into two pieces. It actually feels like you are dislocating the penis, and when we scream, it is actually screams of pure pain and agony. And if you're unsure which direction is which, let us do you doggy-style whilst you Google it.
 
6: Farts are ONLY funny if they come from the ass
 
7: Johnssons baby oil isn't only for babies! If you provide lube, we assume that's a free pass into the Brown eye. And if you are fine with us only using spit, please communicate this.
 
8: Cock-control can be a tricky thing. We have years of experience and practice in holding it in. But sometimes we just can't. There comes a point when it doesn't matter if a nuclear war breaks out, we will finish. It is usually accompanied by our faces looking as if we are smelling vinegar!
 
9: Don't immediately get off my dick after I've cum. It's far too sensitive to get in contact with air.
 
10: Allow comedy! Some of the best jokes come between the sheets. If I want to use your pubes as a Hitler-mustache while screaming racist slurs into your vagina…Embrace the comedy!
 
Last but not least. Don't get pissy if we don't initiate, we are always up for it!
 
Written by: Achashverosh, inspired by the "League of Extraordinary Comedians"

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

What Men Do In Bed That Women Hate!


What is one of the main things you talk about when you get together with your girls? Your sex life, obviously. I just love it when me and the girls get together and we discuss our latest shags and who did what and what positions, penis size, good, bad etc!
So it was funny when a few of my girls and I got onto the subject and were discussing all the things men do in bed that they think we like, when really, we don't! So I have compiled a list of my top 10 favourite ones that we came up with.
 
To all the males reading this, take note...
 
1) When your so into it and he asks you to put the condom on. Ummmm this is not sexual education class and your dick is not a banana. You put the condom on whilst I try to continue looking sexy.
 
2) When your giving a blow job and the guy thinks it's ok to push your head as if you are a bobble doll. I have an awful gag reflex, do it one more time and I am vomming on your cock and you will know not to EVER push my head again!
 
3) Hard spanking. If the mood is right and we are having a good time, a spank doesn't hurt nobody, well, until it hurts somebody. Spank me that hard again I will box you in the nose!
 
4) When a guy tries to remove your underwear with his teeth. Did god create you with hands? Yes. So use them you moron. We are both horny, don't waste my time and make me lose it by using your teeth. It is not sexy. It's off putting.
 
5) Wait. Ouch. Hold up. Are you joking me??? You think you can just 'slip' your dick up my ass like I'm not going to notice? It's as dry as a nuns minge darling. Of course I'm going to feel it, I'm in agony. Never try and 'slip' a dick into the A hole. Pre warn and lube us!
 
6) Oh did you see that position on a porn film? Good for you but NO! It's all fun I'm sure when you are wanking off watching a porno but it is being filmed and they have practiced. So trying to flip us over like we are a crab on top of a rock upside down is not going to work for either of us. Play it simple, play it cool, let us work into positions together.
 
7) Did someone tell you that saying "who's your daddy" was going to turn me on? Because that is probably one of the most awful things a guy can say to a girl in bed. You are not my father. That is just wrong. I'm clearly fucking you because you turn me on (or this is a drunken club meet) and I'm going with it, don't ruin it with sentences like that. Just don't talk! Satisfy us and we are happy!
 
8) Guys, it's really cute that you all think you are the master at finger blasting, but if you are trying to pluck strings like I'm a harp, you have it all wrong. Treat our vaginas like a treasure chest. It's golden. 
 
9) When you cum and we have no idea. It's really annoying when the guy is so quiet so we don't know. Make noises. Moan. It makes us moan. Then let us know your gonna cum, we might be so bored that it'll make us happy. Or if we are enjoying it maybe we can cum together!
 
10) DO NOT STOP!!!! Why lord why? I was at the point of orgasmic bliss, I'm at the top of the mountains smelling flowers ahhhhh bisto kind of bliss and you stop. Mother fucker I just fell off the mountain. It's selfish. You stop because you are about to cum? Control it boy! Slow yourself down. Don't full on stop to take a moment because if you do that more than once, I would have lost it.
 
So that concludes the list! I hope you all enjoyed reading it and if there are any you think of, let me know at blogdoll21@gmail.com.
I would love a guy to do a reply to this about the top 10 things women do in bed that you hate. Get in touch!!
 
Lots of love..
 
Little Miss V.. X

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Durex - #TurnOffToTurnOn

Hey guys,
 
So, I was lucky enough to be sent an AMAZING package from Durex for their #TurnOffToTurnOn campaign for Earth Hour. This is basically a video to show people that when with your loved one, stop spending so much time on your phone, or Ipad or laptop etc and show your partner you care with a great love making session! (Obviously always using protection)
 
I loved the video. People, music, technology and a lead up to sex.. All things I love!
 
I do think it is so important in this day and age that we pay attention to our partner. We get so wrapped up with our work and day to day going on's that we forget to show the ones we love that we care.
 
Watch the video on YouTube here..
 
In the package I was sent was a variety of goodies that included:
 
 
 
A Vanilla scented candle
Mutual climax condoms
Embrace pleasure gel
Play O gel
Pleasure me condoms
Chocolate body paint
Pleasure touch
 
I have not had a chance to use all the products yet - but I did try the Mutual climax condoms. It says that it is supposed to slow the man down and the female will speed up due to the dots. I think my partner and I may have used it the wrong way because it sped him up (and he hates condoms) and I didn't feel any dots or ribs. Might need to test that again. I also find the smell of condoms gross. Durex, my darlings, next time please let me test nice smelling condoms. I want to have sex and smell vanilla, or strawberries and cream. That will make me orgasm in itself! I also used the Chocolate body paint, which was a lot of fun. Though it was messy and supposed to be romantic, this was not the case for us, it became sticky and we laughed so hard we fell onto each other in our sticky mess and ended up having a great session in the shower. We then went back to bed with the scented candle lit and had a lovely sleep :)
 
I am very excited to try out the rest of the products and cannot wait to tell you all about them! I have given my friends some condoms to test so will be back with another review in due course!
 
I really recommend Durex products especially lately with all these new things they have. If you want to spice things up with your partner, go look at Durex products. Get a nice candle and nice embrace pleasure oil and let me know how it goes ;)
 
Lots of love..
 
Little Miss V.. xx 
 

Monday, 20 January 2014

What Do Women Want?





It’s a funny question when you think about it. What do women want? I mean, it’s a rather big question, having to think about all the things you want and generalising. You can ask me in the morning what I want for dinner that night and I won’t know. It is even more of a shocking question when a guy asks you what you want. It happened to me on a date once where he looked at me holding his glass of wine and said “so what is it you want, what are you looking for?” Ok Mr cheap white wine drinker, I want to leave this date and look for a taxi! It surely is like the no no of all questions on a date, right? Because if I tell you that I want to find a serious relationship, you will agree, making me think oh he isn’t such an asshole or a player, next thing I know we are drunk and in bed and then he doesn’t call? Bitch please! 

But when it comes to guys, I guess we, as women, kind of do know what we want. My friends reading this will probably wonder if I know all of what women want as they know I do not think like your average woman. See, in the word woman there is the word man. I seem to be able to think like both. When it comes to dating and sex, yes, I do think like a man. When it comes to relationships, I am the ultimate woman. (PS, I am learning to cook and bake for all you sexy males reading this.)

So here I am about to give a list of what women want. The girly girls, the boyish girls, the psycho stalking kind of girls, the girls who don’t give a shit, basically every type of female usually wants the same things when it comes to relationships. Guys, you are so lucky to be getting this information now! 
The list is in no particular order..

1)      Honesty

Without honesty, there is no trust. Trust and understanding is a big thing with honesty. The minute you lie, you break that trust. Do not fool around with her feelings under the impression you think you may hurt her. Girls would much rather be told the truth than be lied to. If we get hurt we can deal with it, that is what alcohol and Ben&Jerry’s was made for.

2)      Intelligence

Women are attracted to guys that know how to hold a conversation about many different things other than football and beer. Guys need to flaunt this in a way that is humble and interesting. Surprise us with your intelligence. Being knowledgeable is a massive turn on! Do you know something about exotic wines? Listen to Frank Sinatra? Great, tell us, these are things we would like to hear. Nothing makes you more sexy than class and intelligence.

3)      Sense Of Humour

This is usually number 1 for me personally. If a guy can make me laugh, I can fall for him there and then. I love to make people laugh so when someone does it to me, it’s a wonderful feeling. When a guy makes a girl laugh, she can forget about her shit day, or the fight she had with her best friend, it’s a warm and special feeling when a guy makes you giggle. But guys, do not try too hard. Do not tell me jokes you read from the newspaper whilst on the shitter. Let it flow, let it come naturally and you can have a girl at your fingertips.

4)      Challenge

Challenge us. Girls like a challenge. We may (some) act like we are waiting for the phone call or the text message but really we don’t want you to be so clingy and forward. We like a bit of space and we like a challenge. That doesn’t mean go be a player and let us find out that you are texting 3 girls at the same time. It means don’t message us every hour to say hello. Let us miss you, let us wait a bit, give us something to want!

5)      Be Clean

Yes, this is coming. Guys, have some good personal hygiene skills and trust me, it will be appreciated. Smell good. Nothing makes a woman’s labia pulsate like a man with a good smell. I can walk past a man on the street and the whiff of his aftershave can take me to another level (to a point of stalking, I literally turned direction to follow a man once cos he smelt so good.) Anyway, you all expect us to be clean shaven and have good breath and clean hair, well you need to do the same. Get over your rock star dreams with your unruly, unwashed and un brushed hair. Trim your pubes. Clean your apartment. Remove the empty McDonalds packets from your car. Take showers, daily! Oh and also, you need to have a shower before you expect us to suck your dick (no girl wants to gag on cheese).

6)      Do Not Give Away Your Power

Guys, want to know what is really sexy? A man with power. Want to know what is really unsexy? A whipped pussy bitch. Listen, every girl wants their man to drool over them and give them what they want, but no girl wants her man to give in to everything. I am a girl who likes to be in control with most things in my life, so when it comes to men and my relationships, I like a guy to be in control. Don’t wait for me to pick the restaurant every time, do not tell me “I don’t mind baby, whatever you want!” GRRRRR have some power, tell us what you want to do and where you want to go and don’t worry, if we do not like it, we will tell you. Don’t be scared of us or scared to hurt our feelings. Don’t get it twisted though; we don’t want to be controlled about each aspect of the relationship. Yes, a bit of control in bed is good too but let us have our voice and be heard. Just do not be a guy who lets his woman control him. Once girls hear and see it, you become so unwanted. There are girls that will control guys to get what she wants and as soon as she has it and has left your broke ass dry, she will move on to her next victim. These kind of girls are masters at what they do and can get any guy to fall for them. She will basically emotionally rape you.

7)      Generosity

Women love men who can be generous. This doesn’t mean spending your whole paycheck on us. It doesn’t even have to be on us. It doesn’t even have to be money, can be time too. I knew a guy once who volunteered once a week at a dog shelter. Not only do I love dogs, but I love the fact a guy gave up his time to help them providing them love. Unfortunately, his love for women was not as good but he was such a decent guy and I had so much love and respect for him. Of course we love it when guys buy us a little present here and there or provide us with their time, especially on football Sundays – but guys, be generous in the bedroom too. There are girls who love sex just as much as you do, and should you be good at it, we will keep running back for more. You could be the world’s most handsome, kind and funny man, but should you lack skills in the bedroom, we will forget you. Read a book, watch some tutorials get it right and you will win.

8)      Romance

You know what, romance is dead these days. There is too much talking, not enough doing. Guys will message girls all this bullshit over the phone but never back up their actions. Where is chivalry these days? Connect with us emotionally and that is golden. Romance does not have to be gifts. This is where guys get mistaken. Open a door for me, give me your hand when I am getting out of the car, pull out my chair – that is romantic. We aren’t expecting you to be a knight in shining armour, I mean usually we get assholes in tin foil these days but it is the little things that count. These are the things that can sweep a girl off of her feet. Don’t get me wrong, if I liked a guy and he came below my window playing one of my favourite love songs like “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” (Rod Stewart Version) or “The Way You Look Tonight” (Westlife’s version) I would collapse and have to pinch myself to check I wasn’t in a dream because ultimately, it is EVERY girls dream for something like that to happen.. You would have my heart! Ok, well back to reality we go.. Guys, be romantic god damn it!

9)      Be Yourself!

Guys, you know what pisses me off? When we go on a date and you say all the right things and then I get to know you better and everything you said was just a complete haystack of bullshit lies! Do not talk shit just to impress a girl. Be yourself. Girls are happiest when they can be themselves around guys. Don’t lie and make stuff up because you think it will impress us. We may be impressed for all of ten minutes but when we found out you lied, we will be least impressed for all of ten years. Trust me when I say this, if you are a bit of a geek, go with it. Girls love a guy with an inner geek. If your idea of a perfect date is going to a theme park rather than dinner or drinks then take us. We want to know the real you from early on to identify if you can be the man for us. Be you and don’t pretend and you will get far.

10)   Loyalty

I will tell you what can get a girls knickers in a twist bigger than watching Channing Tatum in Magic Mike, and that is when a guy in disloyal. As females, we know the male species have it in them to be a “player” or a bit of a commitment-phobe. Don’t worry, I have lived as the number 1 emoshaphobe, I know all the ways of living un-attached. Just because you aren’t in a ‘serious’ relationship with someone yet, does not mean you can’t be loyal. If you are dating someone, you know what, forget about the other girls for the time being. Give her all of your attention. There is nothing worse than finding out the guy you are dating took another girls number or was seen chatting girls up. If you continue to act like this, you will get nowhere. If you respect us and actually respect yourself too, then be a gentleman and be loyal. It won’t kill you.





Wednesday, 8 January 2014

New Years Resolutions!

Happy New Year everyone.

So, with a new year comes a whole load of new resolutions. We are all foolish to them. We all make them, even if we don't tell people we are making them, secretly to ourselves we do. Somehow, they seem to be the same thing year after year, and ok, sometimes we do manage to get through some of them, even if for a week, is it better than nothing?
So below, I have come up with a list of the resolutions we make, and what we actually say and do.

1) "I will join the gym and make sure I go!"

I will go, and I will love it. I will feel great and powerful and make sure everyone on Facebook knows I am at the gym. But wait, it is dark so early..  OK, I am tired today so I will go tomorrow instead.
'Whats that mum? There's macaroni cheese for dinner? Ok, I will go to the gym tomorrow!'

Tomorrow turns into never and you continue to pay this membership and go once a month when you fancy a swim, or someone made you angry and you need to kick a punch bag!


2) "I will quit smoking!"

This works well until you have a bad day at work, or your boyfriend pisses you off and you go to your friend who you know will have cigerettes on them and end up smoking her whole pack in your stressful mode. Well done. That lasted a week!

3)  "I am going to diet and do a detox with no carbs or alcohol."

This is my favourite resolution. Why? Because this is me. I am THAT girl! Though I do well for a week, the next week I could chug down a pint of beer while eating a pizza. (I mean, how perfect does that sound?!)
If you are going to diet, make sure you do not cut out the things you love. I make sure to do a cheat day, usually on a Saturday so that I have a week to decide what I want and I truly look forward to it.

4)  "I am going to drink less, especially on the weekend!"

This is like the smoking one in a way. What is the one thing you want after a bad day or you are stressed? For me, its a big glass of red wine. It calms me down and de-stresses me. I can say that I have at least one glass of wine during the working week. Come the weekend and I am out partying, it usually ends up being beer and vodka shots (classy bird). But once again, the first week after New Year it works, there is no wine, no beer and most certainly no shots. Then the weekend comes around again and it is someones birthday and you are dancing and having fun and a drinking game begins and then you wake up the next morning with a dreadful hangover and the words 'I am NEVER drinking again' are written on your phone to text your best friend who is also suffering.
Hold on, it is the weekend again - LETS GET FUCKIN MORTAL!

5)  "I am going to stay in more and not buy irellevant things to save money!"

Well, the first week after New Year you do not want to go out anyway as you drank so much you have a 3 day hangover and come the weekend, you need to catch up on sleep so that is one week where you didn't buy things irellevantly.
Next thing you know, you and your friend meet up after work to walk home, stop by a few shops, spend a quarter of your wage on clothes you didn't need and as you are so tired from the unnecessary shopping (which may I add is like a sport) you decide to dine out as the last thing you want to do is cook. I can sense many of you reading this and know exactly what I am talking about!

6) "I will stop talking to my Ex!"

New year, new start, new men...
3am on Saturday morning, phone buzzes..
"Baby I miss your sexy ass!" - its the ex, he is horny, you know you shouldn't invite him over, but you are drunk and he is so god damn sexy...
"My place, ten minutes.." - Oh shit, I did it. Why did I do it? Oh fuck it.

30 minutes and a shag later, he is gone. It is nearly 4am now and you lay in bed unable to sleep because you are procrastinating about the events that just went on and whether you will hear from him tomorrow or not. You don't hear from him the next day so you go ahead and message and next thing you know, you are stalking his Facebook and have turned into GiGi from 'He's just not that into you.'
Slap yourself out of it and stop talking to him.
Well, until you need a booty call!

7) "I will try online dating again!"

Who needs to make a profile anymore now we have Tinder?! What a genius app. All I need to do to find the love of my life is swipe left or right and there he will be with a picture of himself shining on a beach somewhere beautiful, or on a mountain top somewhere mysterious. Ok, yeah, we wish! Instead you see their face and judge quickly. He is too geeky. He is too short. He has a receding hairline.
So before we can even speak to someone to find out if we could be a match made in heaven, to see if we both like to play table tennis and go to theme parks we need to see if looks wise we match.
So, the online dating thing goes down the shitter as you start to get repetative strain injury in your swiping hand and have had traumatic date.

Back to finding cupid it is....

Thursday, 14 November 2013

What women really think when giving a blow job!

1) I hate this and I know my mouth is going to ache after, but fuck it, leggo!

2) Thank god his penis is clean and doesn't taste of sweat or cheese!

3) Why am I closing my eyes? Am I scared a pube is going to tickle my eyeball?

4) Forget the eyeball tickling, I have a pube stuck in my teeth. SHIT. Shall I keep it later to floss with? Ok I need to get it out my mouth without being too blatant.

5) Ok, now my own hair is in my mouth, I knew I should have tied it up. Should I ask him to grab my hair? Oh wait, I cannot talk, I have a mouth full of cock!

6) Ok, i'll move my hair and see if he got the hint. Great, he got the hint, grab it boy! Ouch, ok, I want my hair to stay on my head.

7) Oooooh new episode of Xfactor tomorrow. Must put a reminder on my phone to record it.

8) I am actually kind of enjoying this. Let me try and deep throat. GAG. NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! I just basically choked on a dick.

9) Look up at him. Make sexy movements and look at him like you are a porn star. WHAT! His eyes are closed? Mate, I am giving you a porn star nosh and you are not even looking at me. Oh hello open eyes. Ye, you like that? Eyes shut again. Did he not like that? Ok wait, he is moaning now, ok, I think he liked it. Unless he didn't and like me, he is thinking other things. So I am trying to act like a sexy porn star but really he is thinking "Stop trying to be sexy you hippo and just keep sucking my dick!" Great.

10) Maybe I should involve his balls. They look a bit lonely. Ok, go for it, rub them. Yep, he likes that, that is deffo not a fake moan! Yeah you like itttt?? RARRRRRR. Did I just kind of roar on his dick? Now I want to laugh cos I amused myself but I cannot laugh due to having a mouth full of penis. Ok, remember to tell your friends later that you roared on his dick like a lion, they will laugh with you. Good idea. Oh and don't forget Xfactor!

11) Ok, I know you are enjoying this, but I kinda want to have sex. Are we gonna have sex? Ok, I will take that pushing of my head that you want to cum. Ok no cum in my mouth, how do I play this sexily? The porn star nosh effect didn't work. Ah, I know... the hand? the face? the tits? Hmmm, do I like you enough to let you give me a facial or pearl necklace? Naaaa you get the hand!

12) Yeah? your about to cum? Keep telling me so I know to remove my mouth so I do not have to swallow any of that disgusting, thick, gooey liquid.. OH YOU BASTARD.. NO WARNING!! Down the back of my throat some goes, and into the hand goes the rest...