Of course men do many mistakes in bed, we are simple creatures. I really appreciate all the pointers I can get, and have taken upon myself to return the favor. Big thanks to all my boys that happily aired their grievances, and reported what mistakes women do in the bedroom.
1: Rape fantasies aren't just fantasies, you have a problem. It isn't necessarily a deal-breaker, but I had to put it out there.
2: A good hand-job is an art. Be careful when you are doing it, the penis is sensitive! Be happy to get directions, adapt, and if your knuckles turn white while you are tugging, you are pulling too hard!
3a: We will happily munch your vagina for hours, just give us a bit of head already!
3b: When you are giving me head, you need to love it! Look at my dick as if it's the fountain of youth and you're dying. There is nothing worse than when we expect a solid BJ, but get just 1 minute of unengaged head bobbing, and then a "Now you get on top!". Be engaged, and afterwards we will jump on you.
3c: When you blow, for gods sake, get your teeth out of the way!!!! I never even use a Zip-fly because I don't want any kind of inter-locking teeth close to my dick. Use an abundance of saliva, and make it sloppy.
4: Use your hands, don't orphan the balls, work the gooch (area between back of ball-sack and bum-hole), stimulate the pooper, and potentially add a finger in the ass. UNLESS OTHERWISE INSTRUCTED a little bum-licking has never gone amiss.
5: When you're on top, move vertically. Only move horizontal if you want my dick to break into two pieces. It actually feels like you are dislocating the penis, and when we scream, it is actually screams of pure pain and agony. And if you're unsure which direction is which, let us do you doggy-style whilst you Google it.
6: Farts are ONLY funny if they come from the ass
7: Johnssons baby oil isn't only for babies! If you provide lube, we assume that's a free pass into the Brown eye. And if you are fine with us only using spit, please communicate this.
8: Cock-control can be a tricky thing. We have years of experience and practice in holding it in. But sometimes we just can't. There comes a point when it doesn't matter if a nuclear war breaks out, we will finish. It is usually accompanied by our faces looking as if we are smelling vinegar!
9: Don't immediately get off my dick after I've cum. It's far too sensitive to get in contact with air.
10: Allow comedy! Some of the best jokes come between the sheets. If I want to use your pubes as a Hitler-mustache while screaming racist slurs into your vagina…Embrace the comedy!
Last but not least. Don't get pissy if we don't initiate, we are always up for it!
Written by: Achashverosh, inspired by the "League of Extraordinary Comedians"